I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight
> may not have been very wise.
>
> You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a
> massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap
> yourself' chili. Tasty stuff,
> albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with
> a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your
arse
> cheeks WILL fall off.
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning and even after two cups
of coffee
> (and ALL OF YOU know what I mean) nothing happened.
>
> No 'Watson's Movement 2.' Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
> through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
> usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
thunder
> and lightning.
>
> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure
> of just when, I bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for
some
> tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits.
>
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It
> wasn't until I was at the
> opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh,
> don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
> I'm referring to that 'Uh oh,
> gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The
thing
> is, this pain was different.
>
> The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt.
> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
>
> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
> in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
> me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part
of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly woman turned into it.
>
> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction
> would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate,
as she walked into it unsuspecting.
>
> Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
> Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
> relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
>
> Instead I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and
apparently
> indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before
> gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and
> waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry
bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
Mistake.
>
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> down,' if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
>
> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
> through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
> way, praying that I'd make it before the grandmal assplosion took
place.
>
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
> the inevitable 'Oh my God,' floating above the toilet seat because my
arse
> is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
> the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a
> gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!' then quickly left.
>
> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
> intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'
>
> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The
> employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his
> nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!';
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously
> escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
>
> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to
> eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day
> I went to shop at Zeller's. I can't say any more about that because
> we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to
have to repaint the store.
Topic: This ever happen to any of you? Besides Dom? (Read 969 times)